The first of the many conversations I’ve had with myself when I got pregnant was about whether I’d want to stay at home and be with my child or go back to work and juggle the two seemingly impossible jobs. I had all sorts of advice – stay home and cherish the baby to don’t give up so much for a baby who will barely need you five years down the line. And the funny part was, I agreed with both the arguments. I so wanted to give up my job and spend all my time with the soon-to-be-here bundle of joy, laughing along with her, discovering the world through her eyes. But there was also a part of me, the fiercely independent one, who wanted financial freedom and more than that, a space where my mind could grow and learn each day.
Conversations with my husband and in-laws weren’t the kind that you would expect in an Indian household. My husband was all for me going back to work and my mother-in-law couldn’t wait to hold my little one in her arms and care for her, while I juggled the two roles. Friends and colleagues and relatives posed conflicting views. In a society where a mother is sort of expected to stay at home and care for her child while the father goes to work and shrugs off responsibility, some expected me to stop giving it a thought and quit ASAP. Some people on the other hand said it was almost like ‘giving up’ if I choose to stay at home and care for a child only.
My decision – to be an at-home mom – however didn’t come from any of these restrictive stereotypical boundaries, rather a streak of independence, the same one which didn’t let me sit at home and do nothing. It was my child and I wanted my husband and me to be solely responsible for her. While I had a loving family to fall back on, at the end of the day I didn’t want anyone to feel burdened by the responsibility of caring for my child.
From what I had learned in my own childhood, I wanted to teach my child. I wanted her to be independent, yes, but also self reliant. I wanted her to take responsibility for what were her own choices. She must learn to work together but she must also expect from no one but herself. And no one better to teach her this than me; I decided to be her example.
The stay-at-home journey for me has been quite a challenge. For someone who thrives on learning new things, I was easily bored. The baby blues came on strong and I quickly doubted my decision to quit my job. I guess I was in the same space as my baby; learning and discovering a new life.
While many of us tend to attach a kind of disdain to the word ‘house wife’ or ‘at-home mother’ I don’t think everyone understands the complexity of the job. Yes, it is definitely not as hard as boardroom meetings and late night deadlines; it is also not as satisfying as receiving a fat paycheck or positive accolades from the boss. My decision wavered quite a lot ranging from utter happiness at having all the time in the world for my child to a sense of hollowness on having nothing to occupy my mind apart from baby wails and dirty nappies.
The independent streak soon kicked in and I took charge. I learned to occupy myself by dedicating time to my hobbies. Growing up I was always fascinated by the art of applying henna and I concentrated on making the childhood fascination a reality for me. I learned yoga too and ended up teaching both yoga and mehendi application to a whole lot of students and other housewives. All of this while watching my baby, at every step, helping her to talk, walk and learn.
Today, eleven years later – seven years of being an at-home mom and four years of being a working mom – I pride myself for the decision I took. I am happy that my daughter is learning the lessons that I meant her to learn and is soon going to grow into an independent teenager.
I have been an at-home-mom and I am now a working mom, and I don’t feel the regret of giving up on a career for my baby. Yes, I am re-climbing the corporate ladder and there are challenges that come after a seven-year sabbatical but I am enjoying the ride. I am happy that I have the best memories of my daughter’s growing up years and I hope that when the time comes for her to take a decision like mine, she too goes with her gut feeling rather than getting pressurised between societal expectations and corporate pressure.
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