So your work partner or colleague and you got into an argument at work and now the air is really heavy between you. You can’t be yourself and you can feel the discomfort in all your interactions with this person. Being human, it is natural to have disagreements especially when two people are passionate about the goal. So how do you return to behaving and feeling normal after the fire? How do you create a new beginning at the office?
Humans have an innate tendency to weigh themselves up against others. Our primal brain is wired to wipe the opponent out. We subconsciously decide almost instantly if the other person is either 1. A possible threat – a predator – they can eat me. 2. A possible treat – a prey, I can eat them or 3. A team-mate – similar to me. We can play together or work together or we can have sex. Everyone else, we don’t even notice. With this in mind, we instinctively decide who we like and who we don’t.
Often in an office environment too, we have a certain affinity and aversion to various people. When thrown to work together with the “types” that we would not normally select ourselves as a teammate, the power play can be tricky to handle. Similarly if both, though on the same team, have different and opposing views, then discussions can become heated. So what do we do to resume normalcy and continue working together in a healthy environment?
1. Be the bigger man/woman.
Apologise and be willing to re-align toward the common goal or shared objective. Since you are working together, there must be areas where you do have the same desirable outcomes in mind. Take the time to communicate this with your colleague and encourage them to align with you and see that you are on the same side. Communication is key, verbal and non-verbal – if you think about it, you will see that part of the argument was not the actual content or issue but the way that it was communicated. Practise making clear requests of each other for the future, if one felt severely hard done by from this incident. You may not be able to go back to how things were, but you can pave the way for a new way of being with each other. Remember, this is not your friend or your spouse, but is someone that you work with and have a common bigger goal with. Don’t expect to talk to each other with the candidness of friendship; keep it professional and polite.
2. Reject the idea, not the person.
Remember that the argument must have been about an issue and not about you personally. Unfortunately, many of us take things too personally. When you invite someone to lunch and they say no, they are rejecting lunch at that particular time, day or place, they are probably not rejecting you as a human being. When an idea is dismissed or opposed, it is again the idea not you. If you can communicate that clearly and also understand it for yourself, you will feel less hurt.
3. Agree to disagree.
What if you really disagree with your partners’ suggestions? What if they made a decision that cost the company resources that you did not think was necessary? Take the time to consider that they too have the company’s best interest at heart and surely did not do what they did just to annoy you. When you can practise seeing things from different perspectives, you become less self righteous and this will allow for further growth of the business. Notice how you are so good at playing Devil’s advocate when your partner or friends complain about their colleagues or bosses; well, do the same for this person. They deserve your authenticity.
4. Do not gossip.
No matter how tempted, do not discuss this with anyone else in the office. We often fall to this because we want to feel less guilty and we want to gain supporters that we were right, but in order to be right, you will need to make the other person wrong. If you intend to continue working together or you have no choice for now, then breeding that kind of divide will be detrimental to the office atmosphere, making everyone else feel torn and uncomfortable. You will both become the laughing stock of the industry. Complain to your friend or partner outside of work to get the validation you need.
5. Pretend to be normal.
Going about work sulking and avoiding each other will only make it worse. I know it is easier said that done, but pretend that you have forgiven them and remind yourself that you are on the same side. Learn to accept people the way they are and realise that you cannot change them, they are in the same space as you because someone thought that both of you are good at what you do and would bring talent and value to the business whether it is a corporation or owned by the two of you. So remind yourself of all the good you have created independently and together, and let the past go. Go back to point no. 1 and learn how to communicate clearly, concisely and politely with each other about the issues at hand. In the meantime, organise group meals and activities where you are not forced to be alone with each other, but also have the opportunity to be light and playful with each other again. Just because you are professional it does not mean you have to be seriously boring.
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