I wouldn’t blame my parents for this, but they have been pretty unreasonably strict. I am a straight woman entering her 25th year of existing and have never been dated or asked out. In fact my interaction with the male gender has been pretty restricted and quite non-existent up till one year ago.
But the problem was my parents…
My orthodox parents ensured that their only daughter went to an all-girls convent school. I sometimes think to myself how living in the national capital Delhi, a metropolitan city, did little to liberate the thoughts of my parents. They would monitor my playtime in the park. I did not understand why this was necessary. They weren’t explicitly making sure that was not around opposite gendered kids, they would “look out” for me. Every male above a certain age was probably a rapist of a kidnapper. Their concern wasn’t misplaced, but it made me feel suffocated nonetheless.
As they had made possible throughout my school days, I did not make a single male friend. Then in college, as luck would have it, I joined an all girls college. Even though it meant a little more freedom than school, I had not built up my confidence to talk to anybody, but women.
College just ensured that I was out of my parents clutches
I made friends in college who were polar opposites. They were outgoing, smart, confident and had boyfriends. I was enamoured by them and their way of life. I wasn’t only lacking behind when it came to talking to men, I hadn’t held a glass of alcohol to calm my own or been out too often. Up till college the only thing bothering me was the lack of a boyfriend but now everything else was taking over me like an overwhelming gush of water.
A helpful self realisation
I would say that in college I at least realised that my lack of confidence and an image fear of talking to men made me rude and snappy around them. I would diss them and crack mean joke, coming off as cool. But I was just trying to distance them and steering clear of any infatuation or trouble.
Once I started working all this practice and realisation helped get acquainted to a mixed gendered workplace. But I felt my clock was ticking. I had to date, I had to be kissed. I didn’t care about compatibility, I just had to be with a man. On the surface I was calm and undated. Within I was a mess asking myself why I am undated.
The anxious, undated millennial woman
No one had ever asked me out. I was beginning to feel my father’s pestering questions about arranged marriage was the only reality for me. As I sit on the threshold of a big 2 and 5 of my life, I feel pressured. There are days where I contemplate going on a dating site and just meeting men. But then I think about everything my dad has tried to teach me about having “the one”— which in his terms is basically my future husband.
I am a few months away from 25 and still single and anxious at the thought of not being worthy of loved by a man. I wish I was stronger than this. But then universe conspires against me.
