It was almost natural for me to do things in order to please people. I would drop whatever I was doing to attend a friend’s phone call, venting about her life. I was over trusting, an over sharer and over enthusiastic to help others. This stemmed from my own need to feel accepted, loved and appreciated. But this unhealthy habit was spilling into all aspects of my life and all relationships, increasing everyone’s expectations from me.
It wasn’t the fault of the people in my life. It was a classic ‘me problem’ and not a ‘you problem’. I also do not like certain things but I could never put it in words, fearing the response. I was never the one setting boundaries, always the one tip-toeing around them to keep others happy. So I took it in my own hands to change my life around by setting stern boundaries, stating my needs and my triggers.
If you are just like me, finding it hard to define boundaries in your relationships, here’s how you can understand the basics of it:
What are boundaries and why are they important?
‘It is hurtful when you talk to me in this tone’, ‘I cannot cook for you on weekdays because of my crazy schedule’, ‘When having sex ask me if I am comfortable before trying something new, not after you’ve tried it’ and other such statements are examples of setting boundaries by conveying what you do not like or cannot do.
Boundaries are basically fences around your own space. They help you take control and ownership of your physical, spiritual and emotional space. Setting boundaries is for yourself as much as it is about the people in your life, they help us identify our limits. We all have them, even if we don’t voice them and the point of having them in a relationship is to be able to communicate your demarcated lines to your partners.
Boundaries are crucial to avoid situations which make you uncomfortable or when you can’t do certain things. It is like learning to say no for yourself and gaining agency over your space and choice. Hence resulting in clear rules and cutting off any expectations that could lead to a negative impact on a certain relationship.
How to figure out your boundaries?
This is not a cakewalk but also not rocket science, you just need to look within and see what you truly desire. This self-assessment and exploration is what is most important for oneself. Being conscious of your personal value system gives you that power to make decisions in life. If something falls under your core values, it is an automatic yes. If it doesn’t, you just saved yourself the trouble of stressing over it.
Do you like consistent communication in a relationship? Do you want to spend more time together? What makes you feel safe? Do not hesitate to find what you truly value and make non-negotiable boundaries which will keep you happy and safe in relationships and out of them too. What will help you is this thought– where does ‘I’ end and ‘you’ begin.
You are bound to receive push-backs. How to deal with it effectively?
It is inevitable for your relatives, partner and friends to push back when they see you draw lines suddenly. People struggle to accept new boundaries and assume something just went south. If someone is feeling that boundaries are personal or rejection, don’t leave them to their assumption. Clearly communicate your latest move and let them know that respecting each others lines and limits will boost your relationship. If nothing works you can weed out the relationships which don’t align with your values, because this is what you began recognising your limits in the first place for.
How to communicate your boundarie
You don’t have to shout it out or just drop in a text about it. You should start by stating your boundary as a request. After they respond to it, tell them what their boundary is in response to or the value system behind it. To end the conversation let them know if you are flexible about the boundary (if you are).
If they seem to cross the line despite that, then restate your boundary, state why this limit is not to be pushed and why it is important to you. If they care they will understand and take your request into cognisance.
In the end, boundaries make relationships a more healthy and wholesome space to coexist in and keeps the line of honest and open conversations alive– even for romantic relationships.
Image Credits: Tamasha, Imtiaz Ali & Sajid Nadiadwala
