Dating is essentially a barter. You give your love, your dedication, trust, and loyalty to get companionship, fun dates, and hopefully lots of gifts. It’s all cute till the inequality steps in. Maybe it’s something that no one really thinks about but financial equality in a relationship can be a HUGE divider. The fact that one of you can afford to buy or do something while the other cannot can make you feel very small as a person. Despite the conditioning that it’s okay for men to pay for you, as a woman, here are my real feelings.
About 4 months ago, I started seeing this exceptionally great guy. (Don’t know how I found him, will update you guys with tips later). Everything has been super, no problems at all, but he’s WAY more financially sound than I can ever dream of being, at least in my current state. While he flies to London for fam trips, I can barely afford to cut my own tickets back home. So you see where the discomfort stems from? You want to believe everything is perfect but the upbringing that comes in a relatively richer family is undoubtedly different from one that is in a middle-class household. Relating to each other’s life really takes a blow because when he’s talking about that one time he went to Amsterdam with his friends, all you can remember are all the chuskis you had with your BFFs in college.
Here are some of the biggest issues I faced.
1. Talking about my financial condition
I never wanted to discuss it or disclose how meagre my salary is or the fact that my parents cannot support me even if I wanted them to. It made me feel like I wasn’t deserving of the serenading I was being blessed with and the inevitable guilt of repayment started creeping in.
2. Trying to match up to their standards
I feel like rich people have a different psyche. As though they’re the ones who are always right in their ways just by virtue of having more money. I never questioned how that money was being made, focusing just on the fact that it exists in his bank account. So, even dressing up every day seemed like a poor attempt to cover up my whole life. Forget trying to buy a gift.
3. Feeling out of place
When a conversation would steer into the rich person’s playfield, it would downright scare me. I felt like my lack of a foreign education, lack of designer ensembles, and inexperience in 5-star dining could not possibly contribute to a conversation that mattered. There have been times I have just kept quiet instead of speaking about something “mediocre”.
WHAT DID I LEARN THROUGH THIS?
I do still struggle coming to terms with this economic rift, let’s be honest. It’s not a barrier you can easily brush aside because you feel like it, but it has taught me a thing or two about love. I know I might be a few of the lucky ones who found someone who truly doesn’t care about the gap BUT that gnawing feeling at the back of my head keeps coming back.
However, through this process, I have realized that a lot of it is MY insecurity, not his. Just because he has the privilege of affording something doesn’t make him a superior person. If anything, it makes his more reckless than he already is. I realized that I was stressing about how things would look because I thought I was not good enough for a rich, good-looking boy. Somewhere I believed that only rich pretty girls could have this, not an average person like me. It wasn’t true–my boyfriend likes me for me. Not for the amount of money I make or the gifts I can buy him. Understanding this was one of the hardest pills I’ve had to swallow.
The other bizarre thing is that this has made me more focused. I don’t know what it is but the fact that a guy who’s from the same city, same age, same cultural background was able to work hard and make his money, meant I could do it too. I began concentrating more on work. I began (trying to at least) to look at opportunities for further studies, a dream I’ve had for longer than I can remember.
All in all, despite this situation, we’ve managed to find a middle ground. I try and save as much as I can to make sure I can contribute to some of the expenses while he makes sure he doesn’t throw money each time we go out. It took a while to find the balance but now that we’re here, I cannot wait to see what lies ahead!
