As someone who’s been around for three decades, relationships are an area I would like to think of myself as an expert in. From romantic relationships, to staying friends with long-distance besties, to maintaining relationships with my family–building bridges is something that I have been doing for a long, long time. My very first awakening came at the age of 23 when I realised that the relationship rulebook that people expect us to follow is plain stupid. Burn the rule book, learn your own lessons is probably the best advice I gave myself ten years ago.
Along the years, with my own relationships, and by observing people around me, here are some hardcore lessons I learnt about having other people in your life and surviving together.
1. There’s no perfect relationship
As someone who just celebrated eight years of being married, and ten years of being with the same guy, here’s my first lesson: no relationship is perfect. So, spare yourself the chase and enjoy what you have. I do wish I knew this before… before I spent hours obsessing over why my boyfriend didn’t behave like other boyfriends, why my first year of marriage wasn’t Instagram worthy, and why we fought more than we communicated. Well, because we were different people! Giving up on the idea that a relationship, any for that matter, has to be perfect is the best way to ensure that it makes you happy. No relationship is perfect, so you either fake it, or you get okay with it!
2. Being kind is better than being correct
I learnt this the hard way! Between choosing to be correct, and simply letting go and being kind, sadly, I’ve mostly chosen to be correct. There was nothing that gave me more pleasure than saying “I told you so”, and I continued being my judgy self for many a good year, till it all turned around and I was the centre of judgement and mean comments. So, from someone who has been on both ends of the spectrum, always pick being kind. You don’t need to win all your battles, sometimes it’s okay to let other people win, and watch them smile.
3. Love yourself first
As clichéd as it may sound, I’ve got to say it: You cannot love others till you love yourself completely. You probably don’t have to reach a point where you are content with everything in your life, but just not hating everything about yourself helps. Be critical, try to make yourself better at every point, but also accept who you are, with all your flaws and shortcomings. Remember, people treat you the way you treat yourself, so make sure you treat yourself right.
4. Relationships are hard work
Be it a friend, your parents, your partner, or even a colleague, maintaining relationships is hard work. You need to make that extra effort, probably make a few compromises along the way, and realise that sometimes you need to give more than you get, to make things work. If you think a relationship is worth it and it is making you happy and adding the right value to your life, don’t be afraid to work hard to make it just right.
5. It’s hard to find love
Another hard truth, and I am not just talking about romantic love here, is that it is unbelievably hard to find true love. It’s hard to find a good friend, develop a good bond with your parents, be in love with your sibling, have colleagues that push you upwards rather than pull you down. So, cherish the people and the bonds that you have. Make sure you tell them that you love them, often, and don’t be afraid to put yourself out there, to make these relationships stick.
6. There’s one soulmate for everyone.. Ummm no!
We’ve all, unfortunately, grown up with the idea that we will find that one soulmate who will walk into our lives and make everything better. Well, guess what, that soulmate doesn’t exist!Soulmates are essentially these people who are so magical, that you cannot believe that they are not a part of your own personality. They get you, and you can be your one hundred per cent around them. It’s great to find one person who ticks all the right boxes, but it is also okay if you don’t. You seek various things from various people. Like, for me, while I turn to my husband for the romance and the support, I have my friends and my family for other things like friendship and the love for the same things. It’s okay to surround yourself with these multiple “soulmates” who complement you, rather than killing yourself trying to find that ONE person. Don’t limit yourself to this idea, love widely and deeply!
7. It’s okay to make mistakes and quit
Another clichéd thought, but I am going to go ahead and say it! Of course, we want to make all of our relationships work and spare ourselves the heartache, but hey, life’s not that simple. It’s better to realise that you’ve made a mistake and move on, rather than hang on till it gets okay. Trust me, moving on has its own charm, and heartbreaks are only going to make you stronger. Don’t be afraid to admit that you’ve made a mistake, judged someone wrongly, and call it quits.
