As a teenager, I used to spend Thursday evenings at my friend Kiran’s house. We’d go for the same tuition class on that day so on the way back home, I’d more often than not agree to spend an hour or two at her place, just chit-chatting with her and sometimes her mother before I’d leave for mine. It was during one of those sessions that I recall Aunty giving me some tips on love and relationships.
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One particular piece of advice that I remember ever so clearly is her telling me, “Not everyone needs to know everything. Sometimes, we need to keep some things close to our chest — not because we’re guilty or sly or scared, but because not everyone understands. It’s a way of self preservation.” Back then, I didn’t quite understand the depth of what that meant. Now, perhaps I do.
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One of the most common reasons people justify keeping a secret from their loved one(s), is the need to “protect” them. Aunty’s words however, rang in my head. Was it a way to protect them or protect ourselves from the way others interpret things?
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Recently, I spoke to other women around me and asked them what they thought of Aunty’s concept. Most agreed. One even said, “See, if your partner or even family doesn’t understand your point of view, they are human and they will judge you. It’s better to avoid that and keep some things personal. Only with yourself.” So what are these secrets that these women are talking about?
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1. “I was on birth control pills for two and a half years without telling my husband or his family. I wasn’t ready to be a mother, and I was afraid to tell them that, as I thought it would disappoint them. Women saying they don’t want to have a child post marriage is frowned upon and criticised harshly in our country. A woman should ideally have the freedom to decide when she wants to embrace motherhood. Without having to lie, argue or be judged and pressurised.”
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2. “My sister-in-law is having an affair. She confided in me, and I didn’t think it would be wise to tell my husband or anyone about this at all. Firstly, these are her decisions, and I’m in no position to condemn. Secondly, I know that by me telling anyone, it’s only going to make things tough for her and the family, emotionally.”
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3. “My ex boyfriend got in touch with me after marriage. There was nothing romantic about it, and all we spoke about was how life has changed and so on. After that one phone call, I blocked his number. Though this meant nothing to me at all, it’s not something I would ever want to confess to my husband. He might not understand or believe me, and it will cause a rift between us, all for nothing. Some things are better kept a secret. Ignorance is bliss!
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4. “I’m not straight. I like women. This is something I could probably never tell my family because I come from a very traditional setup. No one would understand. I’ve been avoiding shaadi talk for more than 6 years now, so it’s tough.”
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5. “I don’t have feelings for my husband. I was rushed into marriage when I was 23, and it’s been 3 years since that arrangement. He’s a great guy and life with him is not tough, to be honest. He’s just not the man I wanted to marry. What can be a bigger secret than this?”
