Once a cheater, always a cheater, right? Or maybe not? Well, who gets to decide? Nobody. To start with, let’s just say nobody cheats for nothing; it happens. Now before you start spewing all the hate, hear us out. At times, there are situations you have no control over, where you don’t intend to hurt your partner deliberately, yet it happens. The ones who cheat in a marriage often live to regret it. In some cases, it leads to a divorce, while in others, people just learn to live with the emotional pain and turmoil. However, some even forgive and move on, prioritizing their love for their partner.
However, the question still remains that if a partner cheats in a marriage, should one try to make it work or not. We got in touch with Dr Alaokika Bharwani, a psychotherapist, to explain the psychology and reasons behind why people cheat.
Dr Bharwani believes that as a psychologist, her aim is to understand the problem without any judgement or a myopic view culturally involved around it. Often, cheating is seen as a symptom of a troubled marriage but there are a myriad of reasons behind it.
What triggers trouble in a marriage and leads to cheating
Emotional disconnection, dry sexual spells, marital neglect, abuse, loneliness, and resentment have been charted out as the main causes which leads a partner to cheat in a marriage. Dr Bharwani explains, “Affairs can be death blows to the relationship and most often at times they are. But they can also be regenerative if both partners see the value in coming together again and creating a different relationship from the ashes of the old one much like a phoenix.”
Image Credit: Hot Star Still from Out Of Love (Rajesh Chadha)
According to Belgian psychotherapist, Esther Perel, “Affairs are an act of betrayal and they are also an expression of longing and loss.” Making the relationship work again after a betrayal is a very personal one but if you do decide to stay, then some things would be worth keeping in mind.
Here’s how to recover the marriage
1. Be certain and on the same page
“To make the relationship work, it requires the couple to be on the same page of recovery. If one still wants to explore and is ambivalent, then recovery won’t work,” says Dr Bharwani.
2. Do not avoid the uncomfortable questions
Image Credit: Hot Star Still from Out Of Love (Rajesh Chadha)
She added that the one who had an affair has to be transparent and honest if the one who has been betrayed needs answers about the transgressions. These conversations will be uncomfortable and painful for both, but it will ultimately help in building back trust.
3. Keep the blame game at bay
“It’s important for the couple to collectively understand what led to the affair without blaming one another. What did the affair mean to the one having it? And more importantly, what did it do to the person who got betrayed?” suggests Dr Bharwani.
4. Affair proof the marriage with sensitivity and empathy
Image Credit: Hot Star Still from Out Of Love (Rajesh Chadha)
She concludes, “If couples don’t connect daily, converse honestly and be connected to each other’s love maps, one can fall back on feeling lonely and isolated again in the marriage. To affair-proof the marriage in future, you need to make the relationship stronger, honest and more connected.”
But then, if all the above doesn’t work as smoothly as expected, then by all means, go to a relationship counselor who can help you make sense of it all in a safe space.
Lead Image Credit: Out Of Love (Rajesh Chadha)
