Abuse isn’t always physical. Abuse doesn’t always leave glaring marks or scars. Perhaps, the worst reminders of abuse are the ones that don’t leave a mark but instead induce fear and loss of freedom.
It often takes time to realise that you are actually being abused. I was in a six-year-long abusive relationship, and it took me time to come to terms with this fact.
Controlling behaviors, angry blow ups, physical aggression, talking over you, blame game, emotional abuse, yelling, and intimidation are some major signs of abuse that we often tend to ignore. Not that we are at fault! We are being taught to love selflessly and in the process of doing so, we fail to understand that certain actions are abuse disguised as care. Are you a victim of a similar situation where your partner tries to domineer you, or imposes their decision on you through aggression with no room for a compromise? Well, here’s how I dealt with it and I hope you do too.
1. I realised that I deserved better, this gave me strength
The more my ex misbehaved with me, the better clarity I had of things I don’t want in my life. It made me realise what I don’t want to be a part of. Amidst all the negatives, I found something positive and that was to realise how a man should never treat a woman. I knew that I deserved more and better in life.
2. His overbearing ways finally got too much
My ex somehow had the audacity to set my career goals for me. Even before we got our parents to meet, he issued an ultimatum about my work life. An ultimatum about how many years after marriage I would be allowed to work and where. I looked up to him for some genuine advice and that made him feel superior, making him dictate my career development. Perhaps, he failed to understand that I asked for advice, not his decision. The constant thought of giving up my career led to sleepless nights and that’s when I realised I didn’t sign up for this life.
He actually taught me how I would never want my kid to be raised. My ex and his behaviour made me realise that I need to give my kids some extra values and morals to be grow up to become civilized adults.
3. The lack of respect gave me added motive
He never even thought twice before yelling at me in front of his friends and insulting me for no fault of mine. Despite that, I was forced to apologize just to satisfy his male ego. The relationship lacked basic respect. How can you ever sustain a healthy relationship where your man doesn’t respect you?
4. Lastly, I never wanted a broken marriage
I never wanted a partner who would take control over aspects of my life. No woman needs a man who constantly exerts power and control. Reminds me of a quote I read a few days back by Autumn Kohler–“A bad relationship is like standing on broken glass. If you stay, you will keep hurting. If you walk away, you will hurt but you will heal.” I knew for a fact that if I married this man, I would never end up having a happy married life.
A special message for all you lovely ladies
To all those reading this, I know you will bash me for holding on to the relationship for so long and not leaving the guy soon enough. I know I will be questioned on why did I let him treat me so appallingly and for so long. I let him, expecting him to change one day. I have no qualms in accepting the fact that for six long years, I had conveniently decided to stay because I felt it was the only choice I had. At times, getting out of an abusive relationship isn’t as easy as one would like to think. Before calling it quits, I wanted to be sure that I had given him enough opportunities to rectify his mistakes. Alas, he couldn’t! The tussle between “he isn’t too bad” or “how bad is he!” is a never-ending game. I have been there, so I know how that feels. You do feel trapped, also you are not the person who likes to hurt people. But at times, you just need to stand up and live for yourself. I did and today I am the happiest I’ve ever been.
Today, I am genuinely grateful to my ex. Wonder why? It’s because if he didn’t do all those wrong things to me, I would have never met the man of my dreams–now, my husband. To all the ladies who have been abused and are a victim of angry blow-ups and dictatorship, you’re not alone. Here’s a virtual hug to you all! Time to speak up, walk out and liberate yourself. You aren’t meant to be tamed!
