Dudes will hit ‘like’ on all of the memes they scroll past while sitting on the toilet, but will conveniently forget to accept that ‘in a relationship with…’ request you sent them two years ago. Doesn’t it drive you crazy wondering whether they’re actually that aloof and callous, or if it’s part of some “Yes, baby! Of course I’m single!” scheme they’re trying to pull elsewhere? It’s okay. Don’t judge yourself too hard for those moments of shak, because babe, you’re definitely not the only one!
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Men have forever been known to be the less communicative gender, both in person and via technology. It’s no wonder they accuse us of constant nagging and nitpicking (well, how are we expected not to jump to conclusions and know exactly what’s on your mind without you conveying any information?) but, having said that, one fact remains unaltered—as much as we can’t do with them, we also can’t do without them.
So, now what? How do we tackle the age-old confusion as to why most men can’t seem to express what they really feel, and often end up leaving us in the mixed-signals zone?
Image credit: Dharma Productions
It’s not you, it’s the toxic masculinity
R. Alford, senior counselor at 1to1Help.net in Bengaluru shared some insights: “There’s a term for people who find it close to impossible to translate their emotions into words, it’s called Alexithymia. When it comes to males, this is more often than not higher, because men battle traditional masculinity expectations, conditioning them to believe that their masuline identity has a direct relation with expression.” So, what does this mean?
“Typically, they believe that some emotions and feelings go against this, and hence they aren’t supposed to reveal them. Dependency, vulnerability, deep sense of commitment—these might be normal, and in fact healthy feelings to have and own up to. But to most men, it appears to be a sign of weakness, or a threat to their masculinity. With years of this kind of belief system, it becomes habitual for them to feel any need to express, articulate and convey,” she explained.
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But what about our feelings?
Let’s say we give them the benefit of the doubt, even then, women in relationships with men who may be battling the above, often become victims of insecurity, suspicion, and sometimes deep regret, getting wrapped up in thoughts that they’re stuck in love with someone who couldn’t care less about them. “Is it fair? Can this be resolved?” we asked Alford.
“Since it’s hard for most people to understand and accept that your partner may not experience the world and relationships as they do, it leaves them confused by the response of the other person. While it might not seem fair to the sex that is able to communicate, it is only a matter of comprehension and perception,” she said.
Image credit: Excel Entertainment
Alford added, “Men may not be able to say these things we want to hear in so many words, but will have other ways of showing that they care and are emotionally invested. Whether it’s him making you a cup of tea in the morning, or considering your opinion before he switches a job—you need to recognise those moments.”
She also added, “It’s not the easiest thing in the world to do, but if you love him enough, you’ll patiently figure it out. It’s imperative for him to keep trying as well, though. Even if he finds it difficult, there needs to be effort. Communication is extremely important in relationships, and even if he feels he’s communicating in non-verbal ways, if he knows you’re seeking those words out of him, he should definitely try to lower his shield and get less inhibited over time.”
Image credit: Excel Entertainment
Chahe tum kuch na kaho, maine sun liya is easier said than done, but now that you’ve figured it out, the next time he moves you from the “you may get hit” side of the road to the “safe side”, putting himself in the danger zone, look at him and say, “I love you too!” He may be weirded out, but who cares? He anyway thinks you’re an overly expressive freak.
Lead Image credit: Dharma Productions
