I am a typical middle-class girl with a typical Indian love story. What I wasn’t ready for was my parents to play the villains.
My boyfriend and I had a mutual friend through whom we met, and one date led to the other until we decided to call it a relationship. It was nice and flowery on good days and a bit difficult on bad days, but we sailed through.
A phase in all relationships where it is time to meet the parents
Image credit: Still From Dil Dhadakne Do
Like all relationships, it was time to introduce ours to those around us. Sharing your relationship status not only gives your partner the security of a strong bond, but it also frees you from having to hide it for any reason. We had that moment too.
I met his parents first. They were quite responsive. I sat for an hour making awkward small talk and then we left. I didn’t think I would ever get along with his parents because of their indifferent and aloof nature. In retrospect, the typical young adult attitude of mine had cost me a lot of time which I could have used to forge a relationship with them. If someone had to make the effort, then why couldn’t I have taken the first few steps? But that is in the past now.
Then came the day my boyfriend met my parents.
I had schooled him on what to wear, how to talk, what to say, how to sit, and even what shoes would be most appropriate. I had only recently updated my parents on my year-long relationship and they weren’t pleased. My mother had at least warmed up to the idea and was excited to meet him. He came, he sat, and we together faced the horror!
My parents disliked him and wouldn’t even make the effort of pretending to be nice
Image credit: Still From Dil Dhadakne Do
As I narrate this story all this time later, I still cringe. My father went far enough as to ask my boyfriend how many women he had been with, how his “line of work had the most amount of cheats” and even schooled him on why his career choice is bad. I was beyond offended but my partner did nothing about it. He answered every question politely and left. He always told me that elders will say what they have to, we can change their perception with time and effort and never through resentment and retaliation.
So I followed his advice. But nothing changed.
I shouldn’t even blame my mother because she tried her best to accept my boyfriend. She was just disappointed, or in her own words, “Maybe I had too many expectations after your ex-boyfriend, he was great and he still wants to be with you. This one came as a shocker. He’s nothing like what you had wanted when you were younger.” However, my father was hard to understand. To my face he said he loved him, but his actions spoke otherwise.
Drawing out boundaries becomes essential to safeguard anyone from disrespect
Image credit: Still From Dil Dhadakne Do
My father has met my boyfriend a handful of times in our three-year-long relationship. On every occasion, my father found a reason to embarrass him. Once he even ended up telling him that he is fat and needs to lose weight soon. I was appalled. He even nicknamed him “mota” and said he called him that out of love.
After spending hours crying, contemplating breaking up with my boyfriend, and trying to sweet talk my parents into accepting my partner, I finally made a decision. I could see my partner turn bitter towards my parents too, so I had to change this before this hate took over my life. I couldn’t walk the line my boyfriend wanted me to, to get the desired results. So I started off with creating boundaries and being stern about implementing them.
My father couldn’t exchange more than basic pleasantries with my partner and my mother had to make a bigger effort to make him feel loved. If none of this was adhered to then I would stop talking to my parents because I could no longer fight with them.
I took the hard call — I chose between the two
Image credit: Still From Dil Dhadakne Do
I did not make my choice vocal. I sat down one night and after some time spent thinking, which felt like days, I realised my partner is the one I want to spend the rest of my life with. We had spoken about ending up together but never had a serious conversation about it. I didn’t want to startle him with my realisation. So I kept it to myself.
If I was going to settle down with him and have children with him, I wanted a happier family and surrounding for the growth and realisation of that dream. So I told myself that my partner will spend the rest of his life with me. While I need to have clear and transparent communication with both sides, I was always going to favour my partner in each argument.
Learning to stand up for my partner has been refreshing and empowering for our relationship
Image credit: Still From Dil Dhadakne Do
I might sound harsh now, but it did help me draw clear demarcations in our shared relationships. If my parents want to be a part of my future, they will have to respect my entire chosen family, including my partner.
The change has been slow, but I have been able to stabilize my own emotions and offer the support my partner needs to get along with my parents.
Lead Image Credit: The Sky Is Pink/Priyanka Chopra
