As one would imagine and is often said about a healthy relationship–you are bound to have fights. You can either call these arguments or disagreements, they are conflicts nonetheless.
However, science has something to say about such disagreements with your romantic other. It is not about whether or not you have conflicts in your relationship, it is about how successful couples argue and still manage to stay happy.
An exhaustive study on the pattern of conflicts arising in happy relationships
A study was conducted and published in the journal Family Process regarding the same. A total of 57 couples were followed for the study, all in their mid-to-late 30s who had been married for an average of eight years, along with 64 couples in their early 70s who had been married for an average of 42 years. The couples were all presumed to be straight, mostly white, college graduates who declared themselves to be happily married. The focus area however was the argument pattern.
The study found that couples were happier when both people shared a vision of which issues were most and least important to them. The couples listed intimacy, communication, household issues, and leisure as the most important issues. While the least important issues tended to be family, jealousy and religion. Notably, the study found that couples who described themselves as happy focus on discussing problems with simple solutions. Simple solutions involved division of labor at home or what to do with time off from work.
“Couples tend not to focus on issues which cannot necessarily be changed”
However, the said happy couples tended to stay away from more intractable issues. The study showed that choosing not to focus on issues that cannot necessarily be changed, say family and religious issues, tended to make the participants happier in their relationships.
On the other hand, topics that these couples tended to completely overlook were issues of physical intimacy. This also offers an insight into the taboo surrounding discussion of sexual pleasures with partners for the fear it will offend them. After all. the potential conflict which might arise from bringing up sexual issues might make partners feel less competent or even embarrassed.
Queer couples however do not fall in the same category as straight couples
However, this is not the same when it comes to queer couples. An overview of the studies which focused on queer couples have found that communicating intimately and openly about hurtful issues like minority stress, family pain, and discrimination is a necessary part of building foundation and forming a happy and healthy long-term romantic relationship. A 2019 study published in the Journal of Family Psychology suggested that when queer couples communicate about difficult issues early on, they can process their struggles together rather than separately.
While a 2016 study published in the Journal of Homosexuality concluded that queer couples who “openly communicate with each other about issues like legal protection and social validation were more likely to form healthy long-term relationships”. Strikingly, the new study in Family Process suggests that it’s better for happy straight couples to avoid talking about physical and romantic intimacy, while queer couples often regard talking about sex as a norm.
Well-rounded study important to educate counselors on non-general, queer couple issues
It should be understood that the education given to couples counselors and therapists often only offer white, cisgender, heterosexual perspectives.
No we are not making this up, a 2015 study also published in the journal Family Process, pointed the facts out. The research concluded that “a queer-inclusive understanding of relationships, intimacy, and communication can dramatically improve the health of relationships for all people, not just queer folks”. So straight couples can take a que from queer folks and learn a lesson or two in best ways to communicate in your relationship. Openness about tough and intimate issues might help you reach somewhere in your conflicts.
