Love just happens–more often than not, we don’t plan for it. Love is not only unplanned, but it is blind too. This is perhaps the reason why sometimes we don’t realise that we’ve fallen for the wrong person. At times, we even end up indulging in a romantic relationship with a toxic person, which later becomes a noose for us. We find ourselves in a spot where we are helpless and unable to get out of it. But then, it’s like what Sufi poet Hussein Nishah once said: “Letting go of toxic people in your life is a big step in loving yourself.” Sure, it’s easier said than done–but what a thought right?
Are you someone who has a tendency of falling for toxic people? If yes, then this read might be of help to you as we got in touch with Dr Kedar Tilwe, psychiatrist and sexologist, at Hiranandani Hospital in Vashi (Mumbai), to guide you through it.
When it gets difficult to withdraw your emotions
Initially, things are new and fresh between the two of you. Everything seems like a fairytale and you often tend to ignore the bad things about your partner and focus only on the good. Dr Kedar explains: “Each person has a different expectation from their partner. So it is quite natural at the beginning of a relationship to willfully ignore flaws and minimize the warning signs that are there. When the distress produced by a toxic partner becomes obvious, a person may be too emotionally invested to withdraw.” He further explains: “No person intentionally sabotages their relationship. However, the need to rebel against the rigid and authoritarian societal norms can cause a person to ignore the obvious faults in their partner. There is also a belief that you can channelise the person’s toxic impulses into more mellow, conventionally-accepted ones.”
Pick up the warning signs
You can’t change your partner, but you can always watch out for red flags and try to get out of the relationship, instead of letting it grow on you. Dr Kedar suggests, “Watch for red flag indicators and look for any unwarranted emotions you may be feeling (self-loathing, decreased self-confidence, helplessness, hopelessness etc.). Don’t ignore any warning signs when it comes to your partner either, including unwarranted anger outbursts, extreme possessiveness, suspiciousness, substance abuse etc.”
Don’t rush into a relationship
“Take your time before committing and spend more time getting to know each other. If a particular behaviour, trait, or habit is bothering you, then make your partner aware of it. If caught in an impossible situation, remember you are not alone. Enlist help and support from family members, friends, colleagues etc. to help deal with it,” suggests Dr Kedar.
That said, we often get too emotional and feel guilty about removing toxic people from our lives… DON’T! If your partner owns up to his behaviour and makes an effort to change, he deserves a chance. But as writer Daniell Koepke said, “If your partner disregards your feelings, ignores your boundaries, and continues to treat you in a harmful way, they need to go.”
