Hearing about possessive traits of partners be it in families, friend circles or other social circles is not uncommon. However, what is uncommon is to identify the same possessive traits in yourself. Not everybody can come to terms with their own toxic traits nor can they accept their flaws too.
Being possessive and jealous to a certain level is understandable. As long as it doesn’t meddle with the life of another person. But it is not the justified “I saw signs/pattern of infidelity so my behaviour is stemming from my insecurity”. This is something that is ingrained in you through your own experiences and you haven’t dealt with it in a healthy manner. So these experiences become unhealthy habits of which some come out as extremely possessive and damaging.
Accepting that you are the possessive partner
Here are signs that you might actually be the damaging partner in the relationship and not the other way around actually:
1. You cannot accept that your partner can take out time for others except you
2. You like to constantly be in touch, especially when your partner is out with friends
3. Social media is a bone of contention. You bring up them adding the opposite gender friends and liking their pictures
4. Checking their phone occasionally
5. Stalking them with the intention of finding dirt on them
6. Constantly seeking validation in the relationship
7. Marking your territory on social media as well as in real life
8. Always cross-checking the facts with close family and friends. Example: If they say they are out with someone, so you check up with the other person
How to tone down your crazy
As much as it is difficult to accept yourself as the toxic partner, that is not enough. To heal your insecurities and make yourself a better person is the end goal of this revelation:
1. Learn to move over the past
Do not let the ghosts of past relationships destroy your current relationship. This is just something you will have to accept that your partner is not your ex. As for your partner–he/she would be with their ex if they really wanted to. But they choose you and are with you. Do not let your past hold you back and don’t hold theirs against them.
2. Do not be overbearing
As simple as it is–no one likes to be with a needy partner. Constantly worrying if they are being honest, or love you or seeking validation would only drive them away. Let them be and go out without you, and do not give them the silent treatment on return. They will only question if it is even worth being good.
3. Have a life of your own
Create a life outside of your relationship. Cultivate friendships, work, hobbies, and a social life away from your partner. As much as it is essential to spend time with each other, it is also essential to spend time apart. This will only make you more interesting to your partner.
4. Jealousy is a monster which will destroy everything in its path
Jealousy is a definite relationship killer without a doubt. Not just that, it will make you bitter and hateful in your daily life as well. Know your self-worth and that will help you accept that your partner is happy to have you in their life.
5. Know each other’s friends
Cut out the jealousy with this move. If you are well acquainted with each other’s friend circles, you will not be overthinking about their outings with them.
6. Trust your partner till you have the reason not to
Trust them because they have chosen you. That is the biggest reason to accept their loyalty. Trust them till you have a reason to not is not a reason to wait for a sign. It is best to accept every turn of event in your relationship, but don’t anticipate it and do not think the worst.
7. Discuss your issues
Your insecurity is your own. You have to deal with it yourself without burdening your partner. But to occasionally discuss your issues or if someone/something is troubling you with your partner is completely healthy. They should know your state of mind. This will help you be transparent with them.
8. Do not spy
We repeat–do not spy. You might misunderstand them, you may find a non-issue and you may even mistake their actions for something else. It might seem harmless and legitimate but it creates cracks in the relationship. Once you consciously let go of chances to spy and stalk, you will see that you have grown out of the habit. Give it a try and let your partner breathe–they signed up for a loving relationship not for Big Brother.
