One glance at my life and you would say I have everything going for me. A loving mother and grandmother who brought me up with the idea that women can dream and achieve anything they wanted to; Friends, who are ready to lend an ear at the drop of a hat; A partner who moved to a siesta-loving city (Kochi) on my insistence and is supportive of me taking a break from work to pursue my dreams; Encouraging in-laws who are open to my ideas, opinions and thoughts. And, the latest addition to my family, a three month old pup who wags her tail every time she sees me and jumps with joy at the mention of ‘walk’ or ‘treat’.
Then, why is it that there are times that I feel trapped in a dark empty room, unable to breathe, tears streaming down my face, gasping for air, sadness enveloping me as the saddest memories of my life haunt me- why, when on the outside it looks like all is well, I shut down like this. All the noise around me fades away, except for the voice in my head. When did it begin?
It probably goes back to those times when, as my ex-colleagues will recall, how I would break down on while on the phone with my partner (then my boyfriend) and find reasons to cancel any post-work plans with the team. Or to the times my mom who has seen me battle complexes like- am I not pretty enough/ good enough- then why is he (my first boyfriend) not treating me well? Or to when my childhood friends who would constantly say that I don’t share much or concerned teachers who told my mom that I would keep to myself in class.
I am not sure when bouts of depression kicked in for me- was it when I lost my father when I was 7 or when I was left an emotional, clingy, non-trusting wreck after a difficult on-and-off relationship with my first boyfriend. I really can’t say. All I can say is that had not my partner who initially called it the Meena Kumari/Guru Dutt complex as a joke realized that these were no ordinary mood swings; Had he not stuck it out despite my temper tantrums and attempts in hurting our relationship by being passive aggressive, I probably wouldn’t feel half as better as I am today.
It wasn’t easy initially coming to terms with the fact that I need to visit a counsellor. But, when my mom too told me that it was the best thing to do, I agreed. There would be long periods of time- days when I just wouldn’t feel like doing anything or enthusiastically take up everything at work to drown how I felt. But numerous sessions and maintaining a journal have helped me reach where I am. My counsellor also used methods like pinning positive thoughts to a soft board for me to see every morning or urging me to doodle whenever I felt a bout on its way. It still is a continuing process- since I am not a kind of person who always sees the glass half full, it is an added effort on my part to maintain my mental wellbeing- a constant process of filtering out negative, unwanted thoughts.
If there is something I would like readers to take back from my experience is that help is not far away. There is no shame in asking for help, to sharing what you feel with someone close to you; there is no shame in wanting to consult a psychologist. To others, I would like to say- do you see someone keeping a lot to themselves? They need help. Someone being angry or sad to the point they can’t recall what they said afterwards – help needed here please. A friend in your group avoid plans almost every time citing alternate plans but often ends up spending time on the couch- needs someone to talk to asap!
Everyone needn’t be lucky as me or few others who have accepted it and received the right kind of help for it. Don’t let it be your friend, partner, mother, father or sibling. Be aware, it is time we talk more openly about it. Saying things like look at the brighter side or everything will be fine doesn’t really help. Being there, understanding the situation, not alienating them and getting professional help does improve things though.
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