Anxiety is the ultimate killjoy! If you think it’s merely a term that millennials are throwing around – think again! The struggle is real and if you’re like me, having a few panic attacks every now and then, you’d know just how scary those can be. It’s literally your mind playing games with you. You are almost sure you could die, but you don’t. Your heart races and you break out into a cold sweat. You overthink everything and the simple process of inhaling air into your lungs and then exhaling becomes a mammoth task. You have trust issues, you only find yourself harping over the worst possible outcomes of situations and sometimes your fear is so irrational, it could have you excessively hyperventilating as soon as a flight takes off, a friend doesn’t reply to your text or your boss expresses mild disappointment.
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Anxiety & Love
Since I have high anxiety, I can safely say that while the world may think on many occasions that I’ve simply lost the plot, my ‘disorder’ has taught me to learn and understand more about myself than I ever would have known, had I been what they call ‘normal.’ How? Well, I have had panic attacks and fear episodes that have left me with no alternative but to deep dive into my mind and soul, and rationalise everything: why this is occuring, how it’s all mind over matter, what triggers this, how to control it, and everything else in between. Mind you, it’s no easy feat, but then again, no route to self-discovery is, is it?
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I’ve had quite an adventure when it comes to finding true love through all the chaos. I’ve met guys who have promised me the world and have left, leaving mine in shambles. But I don’t put it down to them being “bad” men, they just didn’t know how to deal with this. They didn’t know how to deal with me.
Inside the mind of an anxious person
My mind is a dark place sometimes… I may come off as confident and resilient, but on the inside I’m more often than not the anti-thesis – unsure and fragile. I often feel like a complete paradox. I want to be happy, but I think of things that make me sad. I’m ambitious yet I’m always tired and drained, there are days when I’m completely in love with myself and there are those on which I despise myself, I say I don’t care but I really do, I crave attention but reject it when it comes my way – I’m a conflicted contradiction.
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Much like me, girls with anxiety like to put their love to the test. We’ll push you away and tell you we don’t want you – only to see if you care enough to break through those defense mechanisms. We put up the bravest front but when no one’s around, we’ll silently wish you defy us and resist the urge to jump ship. Our minds are constantly ticking – over thinking, imagining worst-case scenarios and building up thoughts that can sometimes be beautifully daunting.
Nothing good comes easy
With the endless stigmas against mental illnesses in society, especially in India, it makes it rather difficult for people like me to speak out and admit to having such a disorder without being dubbed as a ‘drama queen’ or sometimes even a ‘wreck’. No, we don’t enjoy the constant worrying thoughts that consume us and no, we don’t claim we’re low or depressed because we want deliberate acknowledgement.
Image credit: Red Chillies Entertainment
Finding love amidst all the pandemonium is tough, but then again, nothing good comes easy. There are days I wish I was “normal” and then I think – this is my normal … and I’ll just have to wait until someone who understands and accepts this comes along. It’s a long shot … but I know it’ll be worth the wait.
Image credit: Red Chillies Entertainment
Lead Image credit: Via RSVP Movies and Red Chillies Entertainment
