Panic attacks are scary because it’s literally your mind playing games with you. You are almost sure you could die – but you don’t. Your heart races and you break out into a cold sweat. You overthink everything and the simple process of inhaling air into your lungs and then exhaling becomes a mammoth task. As someone who has battled the demons of panic and anxiety, life hasn’t exactly been a walk in the park. And as for love… ah, I’ve had quite an adventure when it comes to finding true love through all the chaos. I’ve met guys who have promised me the world and have left, leaving mine in shambles. But I don’t put it down to them being “bad” men, they just didn’t know how to deal with this. They didn’t know how to deal with me.
My mind is a dark palace sometimes… I may come off as confident and resilient, but on the inside I’ll be unsure and fragile. As soon as I sense that someone has gotten close enough to see through the facade, it scares me. Because I know, being able to process my disorder can be confusing and taxing as hell.
Girls with high anxiety and panic disorders will agree and relate – we aren’t the easiest to love. And for any man who seems to be falling for women like us, it’s important for him to understand that it’s probably not going to be like any other relationship he’s had in the past. We’re most likely to have walls built so high, on some days it will seem impossible to get through to us, 8/10 times we’ll have a hard time trusting you and we’ll crave more love and attention that what is considered “normal” standards. But then… there’s always beauty after the breakdown… when girls like us surrender our hearts to you, be rest assured we’ll be invested deeply.
I often feel like a complete paradox. I want to be happy, but I think of things that make me sad. I’m ambitious yet I’m always tired and drained, there are days when I’m completely in love with myself and there are those on which I despise myself, I say I don’t care but I really do, I crave attention but reject it when it comes my way – I’m a conflicted contradiction.
Much like me, girls with anxiety like to put their love to the test. We’ll push you away and tell you we don’t want you – only to see if you care enough to break through those defense mechanisms. We put up the bravest front but when no one’s around, we’ll silently wish you defy us and resist the urge to jump ship. Our minds are constantly ticking – over thinking, imagining worst-case scenarios and building up thoughts that can sometimes be beautifully daunting.
With the endless stigmas against mental illnesses in society, especially in India, it makes it rather difficult for people like me to speak out and admit to having such a disorder without being dubbed as a “drama queen” or sometimes even a “wreck.” No, we don’t enjoy the constant worrying thoughts that consume us and no, we don’t claim we’re low or depressed because we want deliberate acknowledgement. Think about it, while dating is hard enough on its own for someone who is in the best of mental health, it’s even tougher for those who suffer from anxiety and panic. But as most things have a flip-side, this does too. If a guy chooses to stick it out with a girl like me, looking past all the baggage that comes with her, it can be one of the most emotionally fulfilling relationships they’ve had. You know why? Because girls like us are fierce and unstoppable. We are never truly at easy, and never the calm before the storm – we are the storm. We are fighters who will defend and protect what we love.
Finding love amidst all the pandemonium is tough, but then again nothing good comes easy. There are days I wish I was “normal,” and then I think – This is my normal… and I’ll just have to wait until someone who understands and accepts this comes along. It’s a long shot… but I know, it’ll be worth the wait.
