Girls with a cushiony tush – unite! It doesn’t matter if you got it from your mama, or your aunt, or you’re the first of the bootylicious – your backside is the right side. Of course, a gift of that magnitude comes with its own set of unique concerns. Shopping isn’t exactly the therapy it’s meant to be. Your ever-changing stats don’t make things any easier. Worst of all, you can never overlook that jiggle-wiggle.
Here’s to the apple-bottomed, the gravity-lovers, the dimpled twins, and our favourite, the big bulge – you know this scenarios all too well.
1. Buying jeans is the ultimate nightmare. When you are blessed in the booty, the perfect jeans don’t exist. If it fits on the hips, the waist takes the fall for it. Aaargh, and the exasperating waist gap – it is real, especially if you have a glaring waist-to-hip ratio. Admit it, you will never find jeans that fit just right, both on the hip and the waist.
2. The risk you take while buying underwear is truly exemplary. What in the world is your size? Is it large? The last hipster-style panty you bought was large and it fit you fine. That was until you bought thongs and realised that nothing less than XL can stay put on your butt. Or maybe, XXL. You will never know.
3. Speaking of thongs, when was the last time you wore one and survived a night without going to the restroom 89904943 times? Imagine being on a date and being stuck with a thin strip of fabric, bang in between your butt cheeks, with sweat dripping down your non-existent thigh-gap. Cue for “Excuse me, I will need to use the restroom”.
4. Got a jiggly bum? Congratulations! Every time you wear a semi-sheer frock with a seamless panty, your butt will throb like an amplifier at a rave party. Every move you make, every step you take, your butt will wiggle, wiggle, wiggle. Totally not embarrassing.
5. You want to talk about twerking? Cute of you to assume that an enormous butt = mad twerking skills. Only it isn’t and you aren’t the Nicki Minaj you made yourself out to be. Last time you twerked, your friends held an intervention for you. Keep at the gentle pulses, though; you will get there!
6. Anti-fit dresses are a joke. More so if you are small on top and proportionally larger on the bottom. When you do find a size that fits loose on your hips, chances are the shoulder seam is a country-mile away from your real shoulders. *officially cancels anti-fit for 2018*
7. SWIMSUITS – your least favourite word after thongs. It isn’t so much about the depressing state of curvy-girl fashion or even the limiting options you have in swimwear. It’s to do with the multiple dimples (*cough* craters *cough*) on your bum. It’s cool. You know what else has craters? The universally-gorgeous moon.
8. You hate it when the trainers pick on you, and incessantly remind you to lift the butt. Don’t they know your backside loves gravity and that is all the lifting it is capable for? Thanks but no thanks for your ignorance, trainers!
9. Oh, the agony of carpooling! God forbid you don’t get the passenger seat and must make do with three other people in the backseat. You know your apple bottom has a lot of squeezing in to do.
10. Lastly, for those who think you should get off your butt and do something about it, get them to step in your shoes and try fitting in a bar chair. Seriously, who makes that ergonomically-challenged joke of a furniture piece?
