Admitting to any form of sexual abuse, whether it’s rape, molestation or inappropriate touching is not easy for anybody. Victims always fear that they will be judged, blamed, treated differently and humiliated socially. If somebody you know, a friend perhaps, has experienced such trauma recently, you may think it’s your duty to talk to her and help her to move on. Good thinking. But you may inadvertently say something that would hurt her even more. So here’s a list of things which you should NEVER EVER say to a victim of sexual abuse.
“It’s just sex”.
Rape or any form of sexual abuse is a crime of power, control and extreme violence, where sex is used as a weapon against someone weaker. It is not sex.
“This is how you could have avoided it.”
Believe me, if she could have prevented it she would have. Nobody seeks sexual abuse. NOBODY.
“You need to report what happened.”
Everyone copes with trauma differently and it is up to the survivor to decide how they wish to proceed. The sexual trauma that he/she experienced was beyond their control. And therefore it is important you do not try to control how they choose to cope with what happened.
“Don’t talk about it. It’s the best way to forget.”
Talking is the only way your friend can deal with her trauma, even if it upsets her initially. Just don’t force her to talk either, let her come to you.
“Other people have it worse off than you.”
She is not ‘other people’. She came to you because she needed help. Don’t belittle her problem by saying this. Ultimately, every victim goes through humiliation, fear and trauma. Nobody is less or more fortunate or worse.
“How come you aren’t able to move on from it?”
It is important to remember that there is not one ‘normal’ reaction to sexual abuse. Telling the person to ‘just get over it’ is invalidating and hurtful. Besides, you’re being judgmental and she doesn’t need that right now.
“Why didn’t you fight back harder?”
Not all assault victims are physically overcome by their rapists. They may be drugged or otherwise mentally incapacitated, in fear for their lives, outnumbered or experiencing tonic immobility, a response to trauma in which a person freezes.
“Men can’t be raped.”
Although rape is thought to occur much less frequently to men than to women, the incidence of male rape is also under-reported. Because of the misconceptions about rape and the fears such an experience unleashes, most men hesitate to report it. Don’t make it worse for him by disbelieving him.
“It’s not rape because you knew the attacker.”
More than 95 per cent rapes are perpetrated by somebody known to the victim. And your invalidation doesn’t make the incident less traumatic for your friend.
“You shouldn’t have been drinking.”
That’s not much different from telling your friend that she should have worn more clothes. You may have taken care not to say that, but even this accusation of drinking is victim blaming of sorts.People get raped because there is a perpetrator there – someone who wants to take advantage of them. Period.
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