It is ironic how I have long espoused the importance of finding calm in the chaos and cultivating inner peace to my peers. Yet, when confronted with a difficult time myself, I found myself unable to evade it. I love ‘love’…the idea of falling in love, the beauty of feeling vulnerable yet exhilarated at the same time. The excitement of getting to know someone new, the thrill of exploring new emotions, and the joy of sharing meaningful moments with another person still give me a rush, but my last relationship made me believe otherwise for the longest time. Here’s an account of how I got over my messy breakup.
“What doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger”
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I had quite the messy end to a relationship and it took me ages to get over it. “What doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger,” they say and earlier I brushed off this old yet relevant adage as a cliche, but it happened to grow on me. I’ll tell you how.
There’s one particular relationship from my past that still haunts me to this day. Although it’s been five years since I walked away from it, the mere thought of it feels like a nightmare. The memories of the pain and the heartbreak still linger
How the relationship started
I met this person when I started my professional career at 21 and as cliché as it may sound, he captured my heart with his charming personality (at least that’s what I thought). Before I knew it, we were dating. It felt quite dreamy and I was genuinely happy, until one day, he lashed out on me after having a bad day at work.
The signs of a toxic relationship were soon clear
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I was doing well at work and since I was the youngest there, I’d crack jokes and keep the atmosphere light. However, soon I realised that he felt insecure about my interactions with my boss and male colleagues. He had started to control what I wore, what I posted on Instagram, and even who I spent time with. He wanted to be included in ALL of my plans and there came a point where I stopped meeting my friends. If I did, he would become violent and abusive with his words. Talking to anybody over the phone just meant another fight.
I cried myself to sleep almost every night, but leaving was not an easy option—I was in a new city, my friends had distanced themselves from me, and I was not mentally prepared for the challenges of navigating a breakup while maintaining a positive work environment, considering we shared the same workplace.
In hindsight, it sounds stupid, but I changed almost everything about myself. About 10 months later, however, I realised it was never going to be enough for him. His behaviour towards me had only gone worse with time and the final nail in the coffin for me was when he crossed a line that was unforgivable. I had planned a movie night with my parents, something that was routine for us. However, he didn’t believe me and accused me of infidelity. His words cut like a knife, and I felt humiliated.
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It wasn’t just the hurtful words he hurled my way, it was also the realisation that I had allowed myself to be treated this way. After that night, I no longer had the will to engage in any further conversations with him. In the process of making this toxic relationship work, I not only lost my self-respect and my sense of self, but also my ability to speak up for myself. Sometimes, what you think is love or attachment can turn out to be manipulation, and now I know that it’s crucial to recognise the signs of a toxic relationship before it’s too late.
Getting out of a manipulative and toxic relationship
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Breaking up with someone can be a daunting decision, especially when you’ve invested so much time and energy into the relationship. When I first broke the news to my ex, he hurled cuss words and then cried his eyes out in order to convince me to change my decision. He even threatened self-harm and accused me of sabotaging his career.
It took me a total of six months to break free from the toxicity and the cycle of confusion and disillusionment. But after I finally let go of the negativity, it felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. Something as routine as watching TV after work or going out on my own terms felt liberating.
The healing process
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Getting back to a state of mind where I started appreciating and believing in love took me more than two years. And it happened naturally. The greatest gift we have is perhaps the power to move on. Every person takes their own time to get over a bad chapter, but what is important is that they get over it. For some it’s a day, for some, months or even years but it passes.
Another thing that helped me along the way was reconnecting with old friends. Nothing is better than surrounding yourself with people who care for you and would move mountains to see you happy.
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Casual dinner and drinks with my people distracted me from the misery of having to see my ex every day at work. Most importantly, I had time to enjoy things by myself. Watching Sex & The City after a long day at work felt like I had attained nirvana!
Lastly, I never, even for a bit, lost faith in God. I knew he had better things planned for me. There are times when you’d feel like you’ve reached a dead end and there’s nothing on the other side of the dark tunnel. You may not be the most religious person out there but when you reach the end of a particularly dark tunnel, you will see an opening—an opening that will give you hope to enjoy your joys a little more and count your sorrows a little less.
Even when you are in a dark place, there is hope; you just have to look for it.
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