Despite not wanting to date someone from the same profession, Karan and Ankur, both journalists, first met each other at Khan Market in Delhi in 2018. It was a Tinder date, which included lots of drinks, a long walk, and the beginning of a forever. “Karan was looking absolutely dashing and he was wearing a maroon shirt and a grey pair of trousers. It might sound cliche but it was love at first sight,” Ankur recalls that day with a smile.
Karan, on the other hand, had a history of dating, which made him a bit sceptical on these occasions. “I remember when he put his arm around me during our walk, it felt really comforting, but at the same time, I was one of those people who is always sceptical,” he reminisces.
However, after a long chit-chat with the pair, they taught me a very valuable lesson: Love can’t survive without respect, understanding and clear communication with one another.
On companionship & resolving conflicts
© Karan Deep Singh
The foundation of Karan and Ankur’s love story is based on high regards for one another and their individual choices. While talking about their views on companionship, Ankur says, “We view it more as respecting each other and their individuality. That’s what I always wanted in a relationship and when we started talking, we discussed these things. Karan also wanted the same thing.”
Karan elaborates, “We have a rule that if we have a fight, then we are going to talk about it at the end of the day. We are not going to sleep over an argument. That’s central to our companionship. We don’t want to take negative energy into the next day. There are differences in every relationship, but our way is that we need to resolve it.”
However, Ankur also makes it clear that just because they try to resolve conflicts by the end of the day, it doesn’t mean things are always that simple. They do have their fair share of fights but they try to always talk it out in the end.
The best parts about finding each other
Credit: Karan Deep Singh
“Ankur has brought all the stability I could ask for in a partner. He is the voice that I go to for day-to-day things that somehow I can’t figure out. I know he is always looking out for me, both professionally, personally, and everything. Ankur is an extension of me in a way, that’s how I have seen him,” Karan explains as they talk about the best parts of finding each other.
“Karan is the best partner I was looking for. I wanted someone that I could talk to and the basic foundation of our relationship is conversation. I don’t think I would have managed in a relationship where one partner is too silent, you can’t figure things out, you are always second guessing or doubting yourself…‘Did I say something wrong?’ That doesn’t happen in our relationship because we are very clear communicators,” Ankur adds.
Growing up as queer individuals
Being queer in India is not an easy thing, but when you grow up in a small town of the country, the level of homophobia knows no bounds. Unfortunately, Anukur knows this better than us.
“I grew up in Aligarh where homophobia was an everyday thing. For a long time I just kept hiding my identity because I was growing up in a city where I couldn’t see people like me around me. There was no cultural representation,” he recalls his life back in his hometown, where he lived for 23 years.
“If I was reading news about LGBTQ people or trans people in newspapers, It was almost always dehumanising. So, I didn’t want to be those people because they were represented in a wrong way, which affected me,” he explains why he avoided associating himself with the LGBTQIA+ community when he lived in Aligarh.
On the contrary, Karan, who was born in Punjab, spent most of his life in Delhi. One might think that must have made his life much easier, right? Wrong! “I was growing up in a time where being gay was criminal,” he says while recalling how he tried attending screenings of gay films at the risk of being imprisoned.
“When Brokeback Mountain came, it was not supposed to be screened in India, except going to dark alleys, where someone organised a film screening and we had to be very hush-hush about it because you could be arrested just on the pretext that you could be having gay sex. The law didn’t need for you to be actually caught having sex. You could be imprisoned just on mere doubt.”
Changes at the grassroot level
“I think at a grassroot level especially in smaller towns, conversations need to change, only then the culture will change. How will this conversation change? It will change through accurate representation, whether it’s in the media, TV shows or magazines. In schools, teachers should ensure that they clearly say that we respect LGBTQ people, and it’s okay to be gay,” Ankur says.
“There should also be strict policies against bullying and we must hire teachers who are gays and lesbians. I think the more cultural and visible representation happens, it will help people like us to feel validated,” he further adds.
Karan points out that changes at the most basic levels also help: “If you have people with whom you can just talk to, even that is great. All you need to get started is to have people who have your ear, who are open to listen to your way of life, which could be different.”
Advice for younger queer people
“Know that your identity is valid. No matter what the world around you is telling you, know that you are valid. Do not feel any pressure to come out. I think there is also a huge cultural pressure put out by urban, younger LGBTQ people who are growing up in Delhi, Mumbai, Bangalore. They have a completely different level of exposure and that puts a lot of peer pressure on LGBTQ younger people in smaller towns,” Ankur offers advice he would like to young queer people who’re struggling to come out.
“Take your time to come out. Know that coming out is not a one time thing. You don’t come out once, you come out several times, throughout your life,” he further adds.
Completely agreeing with Ankur, Karan says, “There is no right age to come out or find love. You have to first love yourself, no matter your age.”
Social and lead image credit: Karan Deep Singh
