I don’t make much of relationships anymore. There was a time when I was living in a dreamland made up of love and dreams, and everything flowery. That is behind me. I have had two serious relationships, they were not perfect, but I always saw the silver lining. Both times I was dumped on my ass.
Love is out of the window for me!
I have had flings before those serious relationships, in the middle of the two and after. I won’t say I keep men on the hook, but I am always looking for more and better. I gave love a chance twice, and both times I was shown how wrong my worldview was. People don’t work things out anymore, they “move on”.
I imbibed it from my lovers.
My friends and family wouldn’t know the minute details behind this behaviour or my choices. I like to keep my private life really private. So it was quite out of character for me to lose my mind during a friendly lunch where my friends were trying to talk me out of my “hoe” phase.
My ‘concerned’ friends couldn’t see me going from fling to fling
They didn’t like to see me get kicked out of their favourite nightclubs because I was caught making out in a corner or in the middle of the dance floor by a bouncer. They didn’t like to hear my stories of how a guy sent me a mean text and all I did was block him. They don’t want to know if I sent a nude to a guy I like, because I recycled that nude from five other chats.
They are the concerned type of friends. But then why did I lash out and ask them to keep it to themselves? They are selfish, according to me. Friends are the chosen family every book, film and teenager talks about. Friends are not the family who will judge you, want you to cover up for the satsang or ask you to get married at 24 (unless they want to attend a wedding and wear lehengas).
Friends aren’t always the silent supporters you wish they were
That is what I thought my friends were. However, they don’t see that I don’t think like them, or believe in the same things like them. I want to be a circle in a world full of squares and still not be called the odd one out. Love is not an option for me, arranged marriage seems to be the only hope actually.
Love might find it’s way back into my life, but I will not let anyone thrust it on me yet
Here’s the thing about choices, they come with judgments. Either we can block out the noise and focus on what makes us happy, or we can let the noise in and be unhappy with both the choice and the judgment. I just hadn’t learnt to block out the noise yet in my life. I was too busy taking a step further and then looking back that I didn’t realise I was undoing all my progress.
I might just love again and I might just settle for good, but I will never do it because it is expected of me. I will do it when I feel it is right. Because no one will stand by me when things go wrong on the path they put on.
Image Courtesy: Cocktail & Koffee With Karan
