I had to start the year differently as compared to how I spent the last moments of 2019. On the first day of the new year, I did a detox, made an intention list, started a gratitude diary, oiled my hair and even got waxed in the winter. But I ended the day in my bed, curled up with a hot water bottle, scrolling through the endless year-end updates of people I followed and the people I stalked on Instagram.
The vicious circle of scrolling, feeling bad, having negative thoughts, and then scrolling
I was stuck in a circle. Anything I did, from hair masks to face masks and green smoothies, couldn’t keep me from feeling this incessant FOMO (fear of missing out). There was someone always happier than I was, doing better than me, going out to great places, being able to afford luxurious things and I was just sitting here planning every turn in my life.
It was during the first few days of the new year when I came across an article online which suggested everyone should try and delete people off their social media. They asked readers to get rid of people who made you insecure, gave you a complex about your own life, and those who added no value to your life. I came down to three-hundred-something on my ‘following’ list on Instagram, while over one thousand people continued to follow me.
It started with deleting people off my social media
For a day or two, it felt good. I was watching fewer stories on Insta, had fewer posts to go through, but I wasn’t exactly happy like I had imagined. I still spent a significant amount of time online– while watching TV, eating meals, or sitting amongst friends. Until one day, I zeroed in on my unhappiness. I wasn’t present. I wasn’t living. I was just scrolling, mindlessly.
From removing people off my social media, I came down to completely going off social media by the second week of the new year. I deleted Facebook, Instagram and, for some inexplicable reason, LinkedIn too.
I never knew a social media detox or a breakup would benefit me so much
It has been almost three weeks since I went off social media. I sometimes instinctively just pick up my phone without a reason. It is in such moments I realise that just holding the phone is an indication of my attention span problems. I cannot centre myself in a place, a conversation, or an event. Social media was not my escape, it was a den that I had trapped myself in.
My break from it made me see who I had become in the past few years. I wasn’t happy or proud of people’s achievements, I was jealous. I was always under pressure to do as well as anyone on social media. Now that I was off it, I had so much more time at hand. I could actually meet people, remember conversations, and actually be a positive support in the life of the people I loved.
The cycle of toxicity starts from within
As the first month of 2020 comes to an end, I have come to believe that I had certain toxic traits and a pessimistic approach, which I hadn’t seen earlier. Once I looked within, without feeling insecure about someone’s happiness and luxuries they rolled in, I found a woman afraid to be real. So a social media detox just pushed me in the right direction.
Image courtesy: Instagram, Alia Bhatt & Unsplash
