I’ve always wanted to become a mom ever since I could remember. It probably had something to do with always wanting to have a younger sibling–being the youngest in a large family meant that I was always the baby. Another factor was that my parents had me in their late thirties and I have experienced the repercussions of that decision, which is what led me to decide that I would become a mom in my twenties.
I got married at the age of 26 and then three years later, after careful planning, we decided to become parents when I was 29. Everything was going great for us, we had careers which we were proud of, a tight circle of friends, and constant date nights. My husband and I loved trying new places to eat around Mumbai. When I got pregnant, our socialising decreased. What no one really tells you is that you’re constantly fatigued if your pregnant, coupled with the fact that morning sickness doesn’t just last the first trimester, it could carry on, and certain smells could trigger you.
The missed invitations
When the baby arrived, going out seemed like a distant dream. It was an endless cycle of feeding, burping, and diaper changing. In the haze of sleep deprivation and spit up, we missed friends’ birthdays because we hadn’t slept, or couldn’t attend because either it was too noisy for our baby or, simply put, our baby wasn’t allowed in the pub or bar. Sometimes, I would watch my friends Insta stories and have a major case of #fomo wishing for my old life. There were times I detested wearing my nursing blouses and bras which had become my staple uniform, and wished that for once I could wear makeup, dress up, and not have to look at the clock for the feeding time. Don’t get me wrong, I love my child and was thankful that I had a healthy, beautiful baby, and had no issues with my delivery or newborn, but there was a small part of me that wished for my old life back. Slowly, the invitations started reducing, and there were so many instances when our friends group had met up without us which made me feel left out.
It takes a village
As a first time mom, you tend to go by the book–reading up on the countless parenting blogs, doing the pre-natal classes, and taking all those vitamins. But, when the baby arrives, you’re flooded with a whole barrage of unsolicited advice–“Have you done mundan?” “You’re starting solids so soon? Try it after month seven.” While the advice could be well meaning, there’s plenty of misinformation out there. Coupled with the fact that Indian society is very superstitious and believes in the necessity of plenty of rituals, it could actually be harmful to listen to elders. As a new mom, I was confused whether to go ahead as I saw fit, and I wished I had someone who had had a baby in the past decade if not the past few years to actually be my voice of reason. I couldn’t call up my girlfriends and discuss poop colours and what that meant, nor could I indulge in a gossip session because, well, the only thing I could say post “What’s up” was, “Oh, I’m exhausted.”
Finding my tribe
I found companionship in the unlikeliest of places– mom groups on FB. I joined a bunch of groups, some Mumbai-specific where I reside, some India-specific, and some which included Indian women who lived all over the globe. Through these groups I learnt to allay my fears. Here, none of my questions were considered “too dumb”, or I could simply vent about an infant who refused to sleep without the fear of being judged as a bad mother.
My child is now two which makes stepping out easier. I do occasionally meet my friends and carve out that much needed ‘me time’, but I also have learnt to accept that my life has changed and my friend circle has become even tighter because only those who really get me, want to meet me, and understand my priorities are worth my time.
