“I sat with my anger long enough, until she told me her real name was grief.”
Ever wondered why sometimes you feel highly strung in a not-so-good way, ready to attack at the drop of a hat? You’re irritable and angry at the world, but you can’t put a finger on what it is that’s making you feel so hyper and agitated. Well, if so, for starters, take a step back, breathe, and take note–you’re not the only one.
Mirror mirror
A whole lot of people may be confused as to why they always feel like they’re on edge, like a pressure cooker that’s going to burst any minute. While they may not recognise this destructive behavioural pattern while they’re displaying it, experts reveal that at some point or the other, they do become aware of the fact that something is not quite right within. Though there are several factors that could lead to this sort of hostile conduct, the one that we’re discussing today is grief.
Layers of emotions
Yup. Anger can mask grief. Often, and beautifully. While a number of researchers the world over have agreed to the fact that there is, undoubtedly, a connection between the two, psychologist Amanpreet Nagpal, explained to us why. “Anger is a response system for many emotions, grieving being a primary one,” she said.
“The relationship between anger and grief is complex. It’s strange, but people are often more comfortable expressing anger than grief. This usually comes from the environment one has been brought up. If anger has been used as a natural response over sensitivity, one learns to be more comfortable being aggressive,” she adds.
To break it down for you further, people are more comfortable putting up a tough front, because they feel that that is more acceptable than coming across as sad. Sad comes from hurt and emotional pain, and neither do we want to feel that (which is why we deflect and displace), nor do we want to be judged for feeling that way.
What do I really feel?
So how does one determine whether their anger stems from a place of hurt? “If you have a lot of expectations from the environment and people around you, you usually tend to get angry because you are hurting inside, and expect people to somehow understand that, without you having to spell it out,” she says.
“Another major sign that can help you identify when you or people around you, are grieving and trying to hide it under anger, is to notice if you or them are complaining about things a lot, under the pretext of being angry. People who are going through something like this, might try seeking attention from their loved ones in various ways,” says Amanpreet. If you’re looking for more obvious signs, here are a few more she shared with us…
- You are loud during an anger outburst
- You may turn red
- You may scream and shout, not allowing other people to talk or have any say
- You throw physical tantrums, which include throwing objects around
- If you are sad or hurt, you may feel disconnected from your existing environment
- You tend to isolate yourself
- When hurt, you may also tend to harm yourself in anger, more than you would others
Displacing the pain…
Since anger, no matter what the source is, is received with a lot of skepticism and criticism, it can prove to be highly toxic for any relationship. Hence, it is important for you to find a way to curb it. If you’re not sure where to begin, Amanpreet has some golden advice to help you with that too!
- Starting a journal and noting down your disturbing thoughts promotes healthy ventilation and is a great way to begin!
- Acknowledge that anger is a choice and we can choose to express it healthily, through other mediums
- Focus on taking deep breaths, whenever you feel a bout of rage commencing
- Excuse yourself and get into quiet space when you observe the onset of anger
- If you train your mind, anything is possible. Use the energy of your anger wisely. Channel the energy into a hobby or even in a workout session. This will help you vent, as well as give you other lifestyle benefits.
