Love is fragile and we’re not always its best caretakers. Even though we throw the word around like confetti, do we really understand its true nature? Some say that the weight that it holds is strong enough to move mountains, and some have sworn that it’s good-for-nothing. The naysayers maintain that love only weakens the mighty and manipulates the vulnerable. But is there a theory that is absolute? Let’s attempt to find the raw truth.
When you start a relationship with someone, you’re in what they call the “honeymoon phase.” Everything is hunky dory, you celebrate each other’s quirks and flaws. You’re exploring each other’s personalities and there’s so much newness and firsts, that you can’t help but feel excited to see where the equation is headed. If things work out well and you manage to find respite in each other even past the initial stage, you move on from casual, let’s-see-where-this-goes dating to a steadier, long-term thing. Months turn into years, and before you know it, you’re almost playing wifey to your boyfriend – seeing to his laundry and answering his mother’s calls when she can’t get through to him.
So how exactly does the way we experience love – physically and emotionally, change over the course of a relationship? How do we cross over from spending hours in front of the mirror to look good for the person we’re involved with, to being absolutely cool with looking like something the cat dragged in, in front of him? Even though there still may be fleeting moments of “I-wanna-rip-your-clothes off,” how do we cultivate that feeling further, when domestic stuff like marriage and finances are thrown into the mix?
A long-term relationship is hard work. While there are no set theories on how to make it a success, what we can tell you for sure, is that it require two people to have similar priorities in life. Two people, who are willing to recreate the love that is bound to dissolve every now and then – because, well… we’re human. And at any point, if you feel like your efforts are outweighing your partners and there’s no changing him, a rift in the bond is natural.
“I spent 6 years with Abhimanyu and through most of the relationship. I actually thought he’d be the one I’d end up marrying. Towards the end of our relationship around the last year we were together, all those thoughts changed and I was convinced I didn’t want to spend my life with him. I was so exhausted of the one-way effort and his neglect. He had started taking me for granted over a period of time, this was eating me up so much, that I’d find escapes like spending more nights with my friends, making excuses every time he’d want to meet and so on. His behaviour had forced me to enter a zone that had me comfortable and okay without him… I guess that’s what they call ‘falling out of love’,” says Payal Chawla, a 29-year-old, who shared her story with us.
Falling out of love happens way more than it is talked about. Mostly because there are fears of whether or not it’s right to feel that way. There’s guilt, that makes you question: “How will he feel? How do I ever tell him the truth? How will the truth make him feel?” And of course, there’s the fear that people, including your man, will judge you for being bold enough to blatantly put it down to this. Again, leading you to question those moments of apathy, and all those “ugh’s” you feel, when you glance over at him, and it’s no more a pleasure. You realise, that people look so different once you don’t love them anymore… you begin to notice how ordinary they are. How it was your love that made them special; that placed them on sort of pedestal.
Being able to own every emotion you feel is not the easiest thing in the world. It takes a brave heart to honor your own feelings, and shatter someone else’s in the process. However, it’s imperative to put your interest ahead of anyone else’s, especially if it’s the rest of your life in question. Understand, that a relationship is a two way street. It takes two people to hold-up their side of the deal for it to work and if your partner doesn’t, a hard-hitting, emotional reaction from you is absolutely normal.
If for the right reasons or wrong ones, you feel like you’ve fallen out of love with your significant other, the only right way to deal with it, is by making it known to him. Given all the apprehensions we spoke about above, we hold on to relationships – hoping that somehow, things will figure itself out, and everything will be okay. We continue to say “I love you,” merely because it’s easier than saying “I don’t love you…” But ladies, forgive you and set yourself free. Realise that the door to the cage was never locked – you just need to open it and fly.
