Self-talk is often misconstrued as positive talk, or affirmations, or setting intentions, typically viewed as an activity prescribed by self-help texts, which involves standing in front of the mirror, and saying nice things. But, self-talk is a lot more than that. In fact, all of us indulge in it all the time, often without realising, and it also has a name – private speech. Pause and ask yourself if there are ever moments when your mind is blank. If yes, such moments are likely not dominant in your mental life. Most of the time, we have thoughts running through our mind. Sometimes, they are about something happening around us. Sometimes, about someone else. Sometimes, about our own selves. The last is self-talk. It is every time we reflect on our actions.
The problem, however, is that we are told that self-talk must always be positive. It must be rife with compliments and encouragement, and focus on our good traits, all while ignoring our negative traits. The idea behind this is that what you think about, you feed. The corollary to this is that what you don’t pay attention to, you starve. Sometimes, this works. But, not so much if we are trying to be better people.
The most helpful self-talk is one which is realistic. Telling yourself that you can achieve anything you want, without following that up with actions that would lead to achieving that goal, is futile. Similarly, telling yourself that you are healthy when you may be obese or anorexic will not take away from the health problems that come with not being your optimum weight. Or, saying that you are loveable doesn’t make rejection hurt any less. You get the drift. Self-talk must be rooted ireality, and must offer solutions and guidance, as opposed to simply hopeful things that are not founded in your true inner reality. The latter becomes pep talk, and we know that the results of pep talk last only until the next bad day.
Unlike what the think-positive-and-everything-will-be-okay propaganda purports, life is not linear. It is up and down. There are good times, and bad times. So, telling yourself that you are happy and loveable, and that life is good, may, in fact, be harmful, given that at some point in the future, you may go through a tough phase. More apt is to tell yourself that you can find a way to handle what life brings, despite your flaws. Speaking of flaws, that’s another misleading idea about self-talk and positive thinking… It doesn’t address our flaws. Yes, there are imperfections that we can change, and there are some that we can’t. For the latter, we must find a way around them. But, first we must learn to acknowledge them.
So, next time you stand yourself in the mirror, instead of saying, “I am perfect,” try saying, “I am flawed, but that’s okay.”
